My Thanksgiving "vacation"/sick leave in a nutshell (Ok, a really big nutshell):
    Wednesday morning can't eat, going into hernia surgery. Laugh and laugh with Mom about who even knows what. Little did I know I should cherish the laughing.
                    Afternoon: surgery. New nurse can't get in IV, blood squirts everywhere while I chat about The Hobbit so that I don't have to look at her digging in my hand with a needle. BP 99/58. Find out I won't be getting staples--Yay! Still laughing with Mom about nothingness. Valium. I'm thankful for Valium. BP 90/56. I wake from surgery. Praise God, Mary, Joseph and Baby Jesus they let me leave without making me poop first. Someone told me they wouldn't let me leave the hospital without first making me poop. I was certain I'd never get to leave.
                    Evening: Mom and Tanner rocket me in and out of recliner. After the first time of tensing my abs when they send me backward I realize not to tense and just go with the ride. My incision is, like, 6 inches long. It's huge. When I convince Johnny Depp to fall in love with and marry me, I'm going to tell him it's from a sword fight. Using bags of frozen peas for ice packs because the hospital forgot to give us an ice pack. I probably still got charged for it. I'm thankful for my mom and brother. I can't laugh. Nothing hurts worse than laughing.
                   Night: Localized anesthesia has already worn off. Was supposed to last 72 hours. Vicodin is making me itchy and giving me panic attacks. Apparently I'm allergic. I now know I'd make a terrible drug addict.
      Thursday! Happy Thanksgiving! Normally my most favorite holiday! I'm thankful my mom and brother stayed in Omaha with me rather than going to see the rest of my family. I eat breakfast, take a nap, watch football, eat pixie sticks with Tanner to stay awake until lunch is ready. Tanner has steak and Mom made a crap ton of stuffing. Heck yes. More napping. Mom and Tanner still lift me in and out of recliner. I'm thankful for frozen peas. I walk like a 90 year old man. My belly is so swollen I doubt I'll be able to wear jeans for 2 weeks. Mom makes her trademark accidental sexual innuendos and I think I might die it hurts so bad to laugh. By 5pm I'm so bored I eat cereal and take Tylenol PM.
      Friday: after sleeping for 13 hours the night before, Friday I wake feeling semi awesome! Mom and I go to my condo to get supplies so I can bake cookies. Out in the real world! God, I'm thankful for the real world! How did Boo Radley ever stay inside all those years? The freedom! The smells! The wind in your hair! Ok, I was outside to shuffle from the house to the car, the car to the condo and reverse. Tanner tells me I walk even slower than his Swag Walk. When we got home I had to take anti-nausea pills and a nap. I wake for the Husker game. We're losing. Halfway through the 3rd quarter I realize I'm not wearing my lucky 'Skers necklace, I put it on (you can all thank me later), and fall asleep. Nebraska wins. I wake, shower, make cookies. Tanner continuously crop dusts my mom and laughing still hurts so bad I might die. He then introduces me to Tunnel Walk of Shame. Probably the highlight of my weekend. Hilarious. But I still can't laugh. At 6pm Tanner leaves me in my crippled state with my mom, grandpa and aunt so that he can go watch the Creighton game. Present company turns on the dog show. I'm out of past posts to read on Tunnel Walk of Shame and haven't taken any painkillers all day so I suggest turning the dog show into a drinking game and then they switch to a PBS special on the Dust Bowl. Drool and saggy jowls even less attractive on humans. Starting drug (and by drugs I mean Tylenol pm because I am allergic to anything stronger) induced coma now. Still fat like a pregnant lady and walking like an old man. I forgot I'd not only not be able to use my core to move, but I also wouldn't be able to use it to stand up straight or to tighten up my gut. Losing all self-esteem. I am thankful for Tanner and Tunnel Walk of Shame and Husker football. 
     Saturday: drug induced coma didn't work as well as Thursday night. Slightly less fat and less stooped. Still can't laugh. Highlight of my day: a text from Jenny and Bobby "How are you feeling? Is your family pampering you? Let me know if you need anything!" So many of my friends and family have been so wonderful to me. I am thankful to/for all of them. I love them so much! I am also thankful for Goldberg's Ceasear Turkey Burger and the outdoors and getting to be alone in my condo for a few hours...until my computer died. I respond to Jenny: "Doing better! My family has been amazing. Thanks for thinking of me!" She responds: "We're just making sure you were able to poop!" Me: "At home, eventually. They didn't make me do it there!" Jenny and Bobby: "We're both happy and proud!" Me: "Your support means the world." I'm thankful I can laugh inwardly about poop and I'm thankful for my friends. 
     Sunday: I'm all off pain meds for over 24 hours so that means I can be off the poop meds too. I no longer look pregnant, walked slowly across the street to Walgreens and home then later across the street to the movie theater and home. I baked a berry strata and only took one nap. I still can't laugh. I'm thankful for laughter. I'm happily at home now so I'm icing with a huge bag of frozen broccoli, Costco style all double bagged and big enough to cover half of my body. Costco bag of broccoli>normal sized bag of frozen peas. And I'm lying in my own bed with Game of Thrones on my contraband HBO account. I'm thankful for mini-series about historical fictions and fantasies I've read. And Costco.