I've been missing a beat in blogging. I haven't been writing, partly because I've been studying (and passing!) to become a Certified Behavior Change Specialist, mostly because it's hard for me to think of writing non-fiction. I want to hole up in a world of my own with my dog and books and the mountains. The news hurts my heart more than I ever thought possible, and I find it hard to look people in the eye sometimes. But silence is what Trump and his administration want. So I'm trying.

The day after the election I called my parents and told them that when I was kid someone touched me, kissed me, licked me all over my body when I said no. I wasn't raped. But I was violated and I hadn't told them because I never wanted them to think they'd let me down. Knowing that our country's leader has bragged about grabbing women "by the pussy" and how he'd have sex with his own daughter made me feel I had to talk--that I needed to put a face to that kind of talk. When Trump talks about grabbing some woman no one knows it's just "locker room talk", but when I say I was grabbed by the pussy, I hope at least, the people I know who voted for a rapist know that's not OK. So this is me. This is me a girl who's first knowledge of intimacy was as a child who said no, who didn't know what sex was, who was made a 1 in 4 statistic. And this is me, a woman, saying that is not OK.

My friend Elisa and I marched last month at the Omaha chapter of the Women's March on Washington. 18,000 people of all different colors, backgrounds, shapes, sizes, ages, genders--I had goosebumps, my eyes teared up. I don't think there's ever been a time in my life that I've felt so part of something so important. The next weekend my boyfriend and I went to his friends' house to write letters to our senators. We wrote on women's rights, Black Lives Matter, the immigration ban and refugees, education, alternative facts, the keystone pipeline--all of it. Using my words and my body to stand against hate helped me turn anger into physical acts I hoped could make a difference.

Betsy DeVos was voted in as secretary of education. Instead of feeling like I should give up, I watched a video of all those who spoke against her and remembered the power of words. Elizabeth Warren went straight badass today to fight against Trump's racist, Jeff Sessions. Republicans tried to silence her, but others have posted the rest of Coretta Scott King's letter. Words. A voice. I used to think I was a lover not a fighter, but I was wrong. I'm not going to run away and pretend bad things aren't happening. I'm going to stay here and fight because I love. Of course there's a perfect JK quotation for this post:

“Dark and difficult times lie ahead. Soon we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.” – Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

Elisa and me being Nasty Women at the Women's March and Yadi as a Bad Hombre

I know many people have been hating on 2016 and have been ready for it to be over as it's taken many beautiful celebrities from the world and brought us the horror that is the Trump Presidency or as I'm going to call it, That Which Should Not Be Named--you know, kind of like when they said we shouldn't give ISIS power by calling them by their chosen name? I'm just going to pretend That Which Should Not Be Named doesn't exist. End rant.

Personally, 2016 was an epic year for me. I keep repeating to myself "what a difference a year makes." I really can't believe my life some days. Not that my life is epic, but that I let myself get so far away from who I am and how easily it all came back together once I gave time to me. The last half of 2015 was the most challenging time of my life. It's the first time I've ever felt I didn't know who I was. Part of that was me--not standing up for myself and letting myself feel crappy when someone else told me I was wrong. Part of it was the situation I found myself in, which, really, is also my fault. As a chronic helper, I thought I was supposed to be helping other people and found myself doing things I didn't want to do and trying to be someone I wasn't for the sake of other people. I was also looking at the world at large and seeing people suffer all around the world and feeling so small, insignificant, and pathetic in my need to help. In 2016 I wanted to hit the ground running, literally, and never look back. I took time for myself and decided to get back to basic. Running--my therapy, my religion. In 2016 my goal was to run in 16 new places. In the process, I found myself (quickly, she wasn't very far away), realized I have the best support team in the world who love me for me, and figured out ways that I can give myself to the causes I believe in. Here's what a year running and a year of happiness looks like in the life of one strange human:

January running in Arizona with my wonderful friends Trish and Mike Story.
30 miles in 3 days. Trails, warm weather, and friends=best therapy ever. 

February running in Vegas. Trip with my ma and aunt Linda.
I ran the North and South side of the strip and into Old Las Vegas.

LandRun 50K Stillwater Oklahoma with my 3 most favorite running friends
Cade, Molly, and Karyn <3 Also the birth place of Kerin. 31 miles. March

Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania with my Sole Sister. We did city and trail running
and sold football gear to teen boys and drank good beer and
ate in fancy restaurants in yoga pants. April

Kerin runs in Roca and Valprasio Nebraska for the Double Half Mary in April

Lots of running days in Madison, Wisconsin, home of beer, cheese, and my college roommate
and dear friend Courtni. Codie and I ran on the University's Cross Country Course and
I ran all over downtown in this state's capital, and trail near the lake. May

So I'm missing a picture of a Kerin run in Elkhorn, Nebraska so
enjoy this fun paddle boarding pic of us. July

Wilderness Park Lincoln, Nebraska with my ma.
She biked, I ran. We did NOT get poison ivy. July

Denver, Colorado. Another Kerin adventure--getting into the bulk of
Run Rabbit Run training. Trails, camping, good food, friends,
and a wedding because we like to dance too. July

The one only and ever time that Nate has run with me. I will keep this picture
all of my days and love it. Moline, Illinois August

Adventures of Kerin and Yadi. Preparation Canyon State Park Iowa
And ending in my lake. First 70 mile weekend of my life.

Yad Dog and I took on Lewis and Clark Mountain Bike Trails in Iowa

August. Birthday weekend. Second 70 mile weekend of my life

 Then I went on a new place hiatus. Because Run Rabbit. And Run Rabbit Recovery. That was more traveling and 50 miles of running in one day, but not a new place. I did pick up soon and start training to pace a marathon and something really cool happened. I sent out a Facebook plea for friends to come run for 4 hours with me on the Wabash Trace in Iowa. I had a line up of 6 friends and Yadi who all came out and let me practice pacing them for hour long shifts for 4 hours. It was the coolest thing. I love my people.

The pacing of said marathon--actually 26.6 miles. I paced 4:30. Kansas City, Missouri.
Pacing races is also a big time dream of mine. Running and helping people
reach their goals. Perfect. Oh! And I had a great date the night before
and good drivingpartner and awesome museum nerd friend. November.

The weekend after the marathon Kerin traveled to Birmingham, Alabama
to visit our friend Pam. Pam was the hostess with the mostess taking
us on a ropes course, to watch lots of football, to good food
places, and running in the woods. November

This doesn't count as a running place, although I did run here.  But it's an adventure
that makes me happy so I'm including it. I've never been to Wisconsin in
my life and I went there twice in 2016! This time to a Packer's game
at Lambeau Field. In December, in the snow. To me, this is how football should
be played and I've never experienced a snowy game like that. I ran 100 feet to get to a shuttle
and then 3 miles inside on a treadmill. Like I said, I'm not counting it, it just makes me happy. 

Last run of 2016. Clover, South Carolina. 2016 = 1,600 miles and 16 new places
12 different states. Lots of friends. Lots of love. 

I haven't decided if I'll try to run in 17 new places in 2017. I'm one in so far if I do. I have a goal of running 3 50Ks in 2017. And the general goals of being the best version of myself and writing and being a good dog mom. Oh, and 2 new life goals: to be the fastest old lady in the world (95+ age division) and to go to as many National Parks as I can. Hugs to you all.

I haven’t known what to write since the election. I’m angry. I’m scared. Mostly, I feel lost, because I want to write for kids and I don’t know what to tell them. “I let you down,” is maybe what I should say. Or I can say that I will fight for them, but is that really good enough? To say, “I’m here for you” but know that I’m going home to my house, which is safe and full of food, and so many young people in America don’t have that?

I’m sure people are expecting me to come out with a post about the social injustices that will occur with the horror that Trump has been elected our president. That thought is interesting to me, because I’m not a political person. I’m not a patriotic person. I do not believe in America, but I care greatly, greatly for her people, and even more so, the world’s people. I am a humanist, not a patriot. I’m so jealous of my friends and family who have written words of hope and courage. You make me happy, and I need you now more than ever. I can’t understand how a man who gropes women, brags about the sexuality of his own child, makes fun of people handicaps, wants to separate families and ship out people who live here, has attacked veterans and their families, slams journalists and our freedom of the press and speech, denies the need to protect our environment, and refuses to give safety to those fleeing war-torn countries could ever be president of the Land of the Free. Before you hang me, know that I also am ashamed that I live in a place that is supposed to be a democracy and the Democratic party rigged it’s own nomination. I don’t know if Hillary knew it or not. I don’t care. I understand that this fact made many feel their vote was futile. I also realize that some of you voted against Hillary because you believe she had bad business outside of our country. Have you looked at America? We are so incredibly horrible on the inside, how can you even look outside our borders?

I was in Alabama two weeks ago and my friends and I walked through Kelly Ingram Park in Birmingham. In 1963 a Reverend led a peaceful protest of students—most of them grade school through high school aged—in this park. The protest was lead by students because adults could no longer afford to protest for fear of losing their jobs with long jail time. These school children’s protest was met with arrests, police dogs, and fire hoses. The fire hoses were so powerful they blasted children off their feet, ripped their clothes off, and tore the hair from their heads. You can watch a video about the park here  or this video about the Children’s Crusade--which is longer but totally worth the watch/listen.

I’ve been going on a decent Stay-Away-From-Social-Media purge the last few months, however, 

this hit my eye last week, a day after I got home from Birmingham. How? How can this be happening? We study history in hopes that we humans will progress and learn from our mistakes. Yet, here we are. Again. And now, we have a president elect that is endorsed by the KKK. His VP is a man who believes in conversion therapy for LGBTQ people. Electro shocking human beings. America gave power to a man who just said today: "Somebody willsay, 'Oh freedom of speech, freedom of speech.' These are foolish people. Wehave a lot of foolish people." How do you feel about the president threatening your Freedom of Speech? The FIRST amendment.

I hope you watch the video on the Children’s Crusade and are appalled. How could this country, “The Greatest Country in the World,” blast children with 100 pounds of water pressure because they were walking for their right to equality? I then hope you realize it’s happening again in 2016. 53 years later and we haven’t learned a thing. I hope you were horrified when you learned about Hitler and how he, a democratically elected leader, killed 6 million people because they were “different” than him. Again, here we are 80-some years later, and we’ve elected a man who has lashed out against African Americans, women, journalists, Muslims, and immigrants.

Tom Moe, a POW who spoke on an anti-Trump add former Republican Candidate John Kasich put together, put together his own spin on an anti-Hitler poem Pastor Martin Neimoller wrote saying:

 "You might not care if Donald Trump says Muslims should register with their government, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump says he's going to round up all the Hispanic immigrants, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump says it's okay to rough up black protesters, because you're not one. And you might not care if Donald Trump wants to suppress journalists, because you're not one. But think about this: If he keeps going, and he actually becomes president, he might just get around to you. And you better hope there's someone left to help you."

I’m using my voice while I have it. For myself and those I love and those I don’t know. In my heart I keep telling myself Love Trumps Hate, but I'm scared of the road to get there. 

I've found a new creative outlet. It makes me laugh. But I'm a terrible artist and can't seem to organize pictures on this blog either. Enjoy my dog pal.

     Most people who've read my writing probably know my thoughts on most issues. I also tend to have an opinion on everything. I always know what I'd say if someone asked what I think, however, I often am unsure of where to start when writing about a topic. So I'm going to start and end this with the thing I most believe in: love. If I can approach all things with love in my heart, then I believe that's the best I can do to honor the best version of myself and my faith.
     There's been a lot of news about athletes taking a knee during the national anthem in protest of the treatment of people of color in the United States. NFL Quarterback Colin Kaepernick drew the biggest outcry when he sat for the national anthem during the a preseason football game. Athletes in college and pro alike are joining the movement.
      I'm not going debate if this is the best mode of protest.  What I am going to say is this: what have we come to, as human beings, if we are more upset about someone disrespecting a flag than we are of our fellow brothers and sisters of the human race being murdered? A player for the University of Nebraska, my football team, recently released this video (there's a short video in which Michael Rose-Ivey tells how fans suggested he and his teammates be hanged before the next national anthem and a longer video where you can here his whole statement). Those people who call themselves fans--those who have cheered, cried, lived and died by this athlete and his fellow teammates' play--and then have mistreated him the second he is not in that red and white uniform make me lose my faith in humanity. These fans will scream at referees when the calls are against these young men, will pray for these young athletes when they are injured on the field, but will not scream in protest when another young black man is killed on the street? Will not pray for him and work for against this injustice toward their fellow man? How can we let this happen? I am not a law maker. I'm not a person of power. I am basically no body, but I have a voice. And I believe more in the love of my fellow humans than in the love of a flag so you better believe this voice will be used. My love is not limited only to those who think like me or look like me. It is not limited by the boundaries of a country or by the statutes of what someone else might deem right or wrong. My love is limitless and it's what I most believe in.

I'm on a kick of challenging myself to do stuff. I did this 100 days of yoga and words challenge where my goal was to do 100 days of yoga and writing/reading. I kicked ass at the yoga part. I did marginally well at the words. I mostly read and didn't write near enough, but it got done all the same.

Now that I've reminded myself I can do a 100 day challenge, I'm going on a 100 days of study and writing either/or 30 minutes a day challenge. I'm studying to get my Behavior Change Specialist Certification which is kind of like the psychology of personal training. One of the most interesting thing I've studied so far is positive psychology. The lecture I watched this week talked about how psychology used to be more philosophical in which scientists studied the world and people's places in it and these people's happiness. Then, after World War II, so many people around the world were dealing with depression, ptsd, and other mental disorders, psychology shifted to help these people. In the last 10-15 years, some scientist have felt it appropriate to bring money back to the study of happiness--positive psychology. I'm not an expert, this is just how I understand the lecture. I'm sure things go wayyyy more in depth than that.

Anywhosies, the number one thing that was cited as a source of happiness was people's relationships. Which made me think about my number one philosophy--it doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing, it's who you're with that matters. Granted, you obviously need food and shelter and all of those things, however, as I've gotten older, I think that those relationships are not only a measure of happiness, but probably also a measure of overall health and success. Job related happiness was only the 4th highest source of happiness. That's on average, I guess, so I suppose some people may have job happiness as number one. But for those of us who are not career driven, rest assured that job success isn't the end all be all measure of happiness and life success. I'd go as far to argue that happiness is the true measure of success--are you happy in your life? Dang. You're smart. You're doing LIFE right.

At this time when I'm studying about happiness--how to measure it, how to get more of it, how to inspire others to find theirs-- and I'm trying out ways to make myself do more of the things that make me happiest (how is it that yoga and words are the 2 things that make me most happy but are the first to for me to say I don't have time for??) my two best grad school girlfriends have challenged me to a 21 day challenge where we each morning text each other to tell each other our intention for the day. And then check in at night to say how that intention went. I LOVE THIS. I'm a goal oriented person. I need accountability in my goals. I also love lists, planning, improving myself, making myself uncomfortable, positivity, good attitudes (not that I always have one), and checking in. We're 5 days into it. My intentions, thus far, have been: to let things go, write and take a day for myself, find gratitude in little things (isn't it easy to be thankful for big things but forget the small ones?), put my best self forward, and lastly (after the presidential debate last night) to have faith in people but not ignore reality. I'm going to try to keep a list each week of my intentions and see if I can, by the end of the challenge see that I've gotten better at any of these things. Control what I can control and let go of what I cannot, be thankful, be kind, be my best self, and ATTEMPT patience should basically just be my life intentions as I'm not good at letting go and patience and the other three are just plain, in my opinion, things that should be intended every day.

I hope you have lots of people who bring happiness to your life, are thankful for all the little things you are and have, are kind, and love that best version of yourself. I won't tell you to be patient because that's my biggest flaw and you are probably far better at it than me. Happy Tuesday, friends. Hugs.

Ah, it's over. My most favorite weekend of the year. Run Rabbit Run 50 mile weekend. If you've been reading my blog over the last 3 years, you've heard all about my love affair with this race and what it's done for me. If you're new, Run Rabbit Run is an even better day than Thanksgiving. I think that's enough explanation. Unless you are crazy and don't think Thanksgiving is the greatest day of the year. This year was especially cool for me because it was the first year I got to run with a buddy. My BFF, always down for adventure, coolest person I know, running partner Karyn is just crazy/stupid enough to try her hand (legs) at ultra running. Molly and Cade have recruit a handful more crazy/stupid people and this year we had a legit squad. I'll give my race recap again in segments like the race is broken down.


Pre-race
Karyn came with me to Yoga at the Steamboat Yoga Center--the only way I want to spend the morning before running 50 miles. We got to see my yoga friend who convinced me to keep running my first year when I wanted to give up with 6.4 miles to go. I have seen her at yoga every year since and gotten to thank her. We then went to brunch at Creekside and Fish Creek Falls to show Karyn and Nate the glory that is Steamboat. Food, my faves, yoga, mountains. Hot damn. A few, or all of my favorite things.

At Fish Creek we got to see the first of the 100 milers coming through. They were wicked fast. Wowza. Like a million times faster than we planned to run the 50. 

Mt. Werner. It starts.

This year Molly and Cade--my other most best besties that got me into this race 3 years ago--didn't run this year. They talked a ton of people into running then came to spectate. Sneaky. But I was glad to see them. Like so glad, I don't even have words for it. I think I cried when I first saw them. Anywhoosies they introduced Karyn and me to Blake. And we were dang thankful for that. I don't think Karyn and I could ever tire of each other, however, 50 miles is a long day and it was nice to have Blake become part of the squad so that we could talk to someone new. And we probably would've whined more to each other if Blake hadn't been there to be a buffer since Karyn and I are so comfortable with each other. So, start to Mt. Werner. 6.4 miles over 3,000 feet elevation gain. We hiked. It was as rough as always. 

Making our way up Mt. Werner

 

Mt. Werner to Long Lake. The Long Section.

6.8 miles of sneaky downhill. Way fun at the start. We added 3 loud guys to our squad and a few others and formed a train down the mountain. The loud guys were quite entertaining, telling us about the Fireball they had ready at our drop bags and about camping with girls who wear makeup and about ex girlfriends. One of their names is Larry, AKA LarBear, AKA Chicken Dinner. 

Long Lake to Base Camp. Still with the FireBall Guys.

I kept leading our little train. The dudes kept entertaining us. Not really talking to us except for Larry to propose to Karyn, but just talking to each other about getting drunk the night before. Getting drunk camping the night before running 50 miles. Crazy. Oh!! And they agreed with Blake and me that they got out of marathon and triathlons because ultra runners are way more fun. Marathoners and triathletes can be dicks. That's coming from someone who was one of those dicks. 

Base Camp to Dumont. Almost to Family!!!

Base Camp to Dumont is pretty short. When we get to Dumont we get to see fambam. Molly, Cade, Nate, my Ma, and Linda were all waiting for us. Hugs and happiness. We got to Dumont 15 minutes before my goal time. Holy balls, I started thinking. Maybe we could make my goal of 13 hours 30 minutes. I'd kind of scrapped the goal and decided my only wish was for Karyn and Blake to have a good day and finish. But maybe, maybe, I thought, we could do it together. 

Dumont to Rabbit Ears to Dumont. That Mother F-ing Rock.

This section is hard. 2.7 miles up, up, up to touch Rabbit Ears (a rock formation that helped settlers know where to go), then steeeeep back down, 2.7 miles back to Dumont. The up sucks. But then you touch that rock and know you are half way there (I always sing Bon Jovi at this part) and you feel 50% better! Karyn was really hurting here. I tried not to ask her about it. Tried not to draw attention to her hurt and knew that she'd keep going if Blake and I did. It was her Achilles, the same problem I had my first year. I was so happy to get to Rabbit Ears that I kissed it like the Blarney Stone. 

Squad to Rabbit Ears

My Crew

Dumont to Base Camp. No More Loud Guys. Just Us Breathing.

Uneventful section. Which is really good because last year I got lost here. 

Base Camp to Long Lake. Some Drunk Chick Leads Us Astray. 

I love this section. It's way my fave. We go through woods and jump over trees and up and down mountainous terrain and through meadows and over streams, oh my! So beautiful. Did I mention the Aspens are turning early this year? Well, I did 865 times on the drive to Steamboat so if I haven't mentioned it yet here, you should know that instead of just starting to turn yellow, the Aspens are turning early this year and so the forest was a blast of green, brown, grey, yellow, orange, and red. Unreal. So I had to poo and we stopped and then this lady who was drinking bourbon and maple syrup as her running fuel got in front of us so we were like, hey friend! And then she lead us the wrong way. Luckily we didn't go too far. 

Long Lake to Mt. Werner. Where Part of my Soul Died in 2014.

6.8 miles sneaky uphill. I'd warned the girls about this part. It's where I was certain I would die my first Run Rabbit Run. 100% positive I would give up an die. But I didn't and here I was again. Round 3. I hardly spoke at all this section. I was thinking about Karyn and Blake. I was imagining them finishing. I thought about how proud I was of them and how thankful I was for them and was getting emotional. I knew how frustrating that section was so I took over the thinking for our squad and said, we're running here or we're hiking here and that was pretty much it. I told them where you start to think you're close and you aren't. I hope I was an OK leader. 

Mt. Werner to Finish. Winner Winner Chicken Dinner. 

When we got to Mt. Werner I tried to tell Karyn something and started crying because I was already so proud. We hugged and she, Blake and I started our last section. 6.4 miles down the mountain. It hurt. My knees were killing. Blake friend Diana met us and ran down with us. My family, who are almost pros at this by now, missed us. Which was my fault--I didn't text them when we got to Mt. Werner. But they did make it down the mountain in time to meet us at the finish line! We ran down the mountain fast. All the hurt went away about 2 miles in. We were going to finish. And we did it in the DAYLIGHT! That's a big damn deal. No headlamp needed. We crossed the finish line in 13 hours and 32 minutes. Almost 45 minutes faster than I did last year by myself. Almost 2 hours faster than I did 2 years ago. LarBear was supposed to propose to Karyn at the finish line, however, he was probably filling up on FireBall and forgot. I'm glad she settled for me, Blake, Molly, Cade, and FamBam. 

From start to mid race to the day after we kissed Rabbit Ears. I love you all and never could have done this without you. 

In this lil bit crazy, lil bit stupid life of mine, there's no better feeling in the world than when so many people I love show up to watch me do the thing I love. Even though most of them don't get it. Whether you were with me physically or in spirit, thank you. I couldn't have done it without you. And big hugs to YadDog because the second greatest feeling in my world is coming home to DorkFace and having him drool over me.

Oh, and we got these sweet hats at the truck stop on the way home. So now we're all twins.