The first is from a lecture on dealing with trauma and how writing can help us deal with the traumas in our lives. This lecture was put on by my wonderful mentor and top YA writer Francesca Lia Block. She is fab. Check out her books! Francesca spoke about how sometimes whatever is bothering us in our daily lives can inhibit us from whatever it is we are working on and that if we confront the trauma by writing about it, this can clear the air and let us move on. I wrote a poem about my relationship with my dad. Remember, sloppy free write!
You taught me how to count while I rode on your shoulders
and we walked around the block at night before bed.
“I love you
one.”
“I love you
two.”
You taught me to throw a baseball and snap peas from the
garden.
“I love you
three.”
“I love you
four.”
You showed up for all the class trips and never missed a
chance to take me water skiing or ice skating.
“I love you
five.”
“I love you
six.”
You challenged me to games of one on one and gave me my
first job mowing lawns.
“I love you
nine.”
“I love you
ten.”
You started coming home angry.
“I love you
eleven.”
You lied when I asked if you cheated on Mom.
“I love you
twelve.”
You left us.
“I love you
thirteen.”
You missed almost all of my games.
“I love you
fourteen.”
You weren’t there to protect me from myself.
“I love you
fifteen.”
You’re trying to come back.
“I love you
sixteen.”
You play the best host for me. You answer my calls about
cars and “dad things.” You hug me and tell me you’re proud.
“I love you
seventeen.”
You never question my judgment because you’re afraid to lose
me.
“I love you
eighteen.”
I needed you to be my dad. I needed you to be there. I
needed you to talk to me and tell me when I was being stupid. And you weren’t. You didn't. But I get it. You’re here now.
“I love you
nineteen.”
“I love you
twenty.”
The next is from a lecture that ties into the one above. This one was about getting over writer's block. The instructor asked us to confront that which is stopping us from writing. She had a handout with several poems in it and I flipped the pages around because I couldn't think of anything and landed on the poem "I Give You Back: A Poem to Get Rid of Fear" by Joy Harjo. Please excuse my language. And again, I ask you to remember: sloppy free write!
Poem beginning with a line by Joy Harjo
I release you, my beautiful and terrible fear.
I release you. I once held on, self-loathing,
unconfident, but I am letting you go.
I am letting you go so I can open my heart
without being afraid. I honestly open my heart
to life and love. I will get hurt you whisper.
I can't trust anyone you say.
How can I know? How can I expierence life
if I close out the world and hold only you,
my fear, close to me? I will get hurt, yes,
probably, but I trust myself and I must
be open to grow.
So fuck censorship. Fuck protecting my heart,
my soul, my being . I want to live. What is life
without love? I cannot protect myself from loss.
I thrive on loss. Being my best at righting chaos.
Why can’t I thrive on life?
Why? Because I have been afraid. Because I
have you, my beautiful and terrible fear.
I will be open.
I will be my true self.
I will lead with my heart.
I will not be afraid.
I release you.
And my most wonderful Gayle Brandeis who always gives my favorite lecture of residency gave a talk about what would you write if you only had a year to live. She had us do an exercise that I encourage you to try even if you aren't a writer. You will certainly discover something about yourself. I found I have an obsession with love and, surprisingly, food did not show up once in my writing. So take the topics in italics and write your own lists. We know I heart lists. I repeat sloppy free write. Do this exercise though. Really. See what you learn about yourself. Life is short. Why not see who you are and be that person every day. Every moment.
Things that attract me
to a person:
Kindness; big heart; caring; funny; adventurous; brave and
confident enough to be one’s self; compassionate; easy to be around/makes me
comfortable; has fire and passion; active mentally, physically and socially;
ambitious
Things that repulse me
in a person:
Greed; arrogance; selfishness; complacence; doesn’t have
time for me or others or is closed off or plugged in (my top love language is Quality Time can you tell?)
Biggest fears:
Closing myself off to others; not taking chances; inbreeds (see earlier blog post);
failure; loss of my mom and brother; abandonment but, oddly, not
rejection—good, I guess, since I’m a writer; helplessness; not being able to
give up control and just live; living in my day dreams rather than actively
living life here and now I wonder why I
don’t have more physical fears—why in this free write didn’t I think of being
afraid of rape or illness?
Biggest dreams:
Falling in love; publishing a book; traveling; my family
living long, beautiful lives
Places like home:
The lake; the cabin; anywhere with my family—my blood
family, my friends family, my work family, all the people I love; on the beach;
in the sun; my gym/work but that's because of all the people I love there; in yoga class
Places that freak me
out:
Inescapable places; being alone—I like my alone time. I
love living alone but I guess I mean more emotionally alone
Places I want to
explore:
Spain; Brazil; Mexico; Greece; Argentina; myself, my soul;
the thoughts and lives of others and my characters; the whole world!
Passions:
Life; love; writing; my family; people; reading;
running; biking; swimming; helping others; changing lives This is the first time I have ever, ever, put writing before reading. I guess I'm a real writer now. Also I didn't list any food. No chocolate, no cooking/baking. Odd. It was right after lunch though.
Aversions:
Failure; limitations and parameters
Favorite books and a
few words about them:
The Time Traveler’s
Wife—love, impossibilities, possibilities, setting, story The Great Gatsby—language, story
Social issues I care
deeply about:
Equality; choices; harmony; peace; animals; the environment
Philosophical issues I
care deeply about:
Being one’s self; peace; humanity
What am I most ashamed
of?:
What I haven’t told my mom; giving up; not being the
confident person I tell others to be; not opening up and letting the world in;
guarding myself; not being honest with myself; not being honest with others
What are my most
blissful moments?:
Reading at the lake in the sun on the beach; baking with my
mom; being with my family/everyone I love; riding my bike; water skiing;
running; racing with my dad; going on walks and talking; staying up late and
talking; good dessert
Things I’ve lost:
My innocence too early; my childhood; my grandma
Things I want:
Love; hugs; smiles; happiness; simply to be myself; a dog;
my health and that of my family and loved ones; travel; experience; time with
those I love; nothing wasted
"Only put off until tomorrow what you are willing to die having left undone."
Top five regrets of the dying:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live life true to myself and not the life others expected of me
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I hadn't lost touch with old friends.
5. I wish I had let myself be happier.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do/with your one wild and precious life?" from the poem "The Summer Day" by Mary Oliver
So go out there, live your one precious life true to yourself and yourself only. Express your feelings, follow your gut, take chances, pass up things that don't inspire you, but never leave for tomorrow your dreams of today.
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